


What if...

by sihaiya



Series: Maybe [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Canon Universe, Multi, eruri established relationship, spoilers for who's not read the manga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 11:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3445406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sihaiya/pseuds/sihaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something unexpected wakes up Levi from his rest at the bedside of Erwin and he finds himself to deal with things he’s not used to, again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What if...

**Author's Note:**

> Still merging what I already had in mind to write for this series with the eruriren week ‘cause, well, you already know it, I'm fighting a huge writer’s block.  
> Long story short I’m again humbly offering this one as an entry for day six (mistake).

Levi is unsure about what woke him up and for some time he cannot even remember where he is. It takes him a moment to realize that he must have fallen asleep at the bedside of Erwin, using as a pillow his remaining hand, his own tightly intertwined to it.

It takes him another couple of moments to fully wake up and finally hearing again what must have broke his sleep: someone is actually in the room, sobbing quietly, barely audible. He usually has a light sleep, his habits from the Underground and his insomnia deeply conditioning it, so he must have been really exhausted not to notice right from the start someone getting into the room.

He lifts his head a bit, just enough to see who's the one still emitting from time to time a muffled sob, and who he sees is Eren, standing near Erwin's bed, his fists tightly clenched and trembling and his cheeks stained with tears. He doesn't know for how long the boy is been in the room, but even he can see how much he's distressed and this prompts him to get up, catching this way his attention.

He's not sure about what to say or what to do, definitely more used in comforting the dying rather than the living, but Eren doesn't give him the time to even think about it, 'cause as soon as he catches him moving he drowns him in a river of not so whispered words.

"I know that Jean said I have to make myself worth of all of this, of all of your efforts and of all the dead, but this... this..." He rambles, his eyes still fixed on the bed, his fists that whiten due to the strength he's putting in keeping them tightly clenched, his entire frame trembling. "First you ankle and now this... this is all my fault and I really don't know how to atone for it..."

His words die on his lips and he seems unable to add more, too much suffocated by his own thoughts to even try to give them voice anymore.

Levi silently sighs before closing the distance between them. He'd really want to take those clenched hands in his own, caressing them until they'll relax, he'd really want to hold the boy, slowly carding his hair, letting him know that he's not alone, but he knows this is not his role, it's never been and it never will be unless it was Eren to want it, to want him, this way.

He knows Erwin thinks the same, both of them knowing they cannot approach the boy and make the first move being his superiors, 'cause this way they'll never be sure of him really wanting it rather than simply thinking about it like an order and acting upon it. They'd both be unable to accept even the thought of unintentionally harassing him and this is only one of the many reasons why they held back all this time. And so, after being silent for he doesn't know how much, Levi resolves himself to do the only thing he can, saying the truth.

"It's not your fault." It's not something easy to him, he's never been good with words, but he tries, softly whispering not to disturb Erwin's sleep. "It's mine for not having been there with you when you needed it, it's your sister's for having been indecisive, she could have killed them and she didn't, it's Hanji's for having wanted to wait before arresting them to better understand their motives, and so on." He recites, slowly, with a monotonous note in his tone. It's almost a litany, it's something he's repeated to himself again and again, sitting in this same room, waiting to know if Erwin was going to die, it's something he knows probably better than everyone else and it's something, he's sure, that will haunt him for a long time. "We're all at fault, but you're back and he'll live, so it's pretty pointless to go on with it, don't you think?"

Eren listens to him in silence, a single tear still running slowly down his cheek, but he seems now calmer and a bit pensive.

"Before..." He starts, and he seems not to find the words or maybe the guts he needs, because he stops and takes a deep breath. "Sir before... you were holding his hand."

It's a statement and a question for confirmation at the same time and Levi really doesn't see why he should lie, so he simply shrugs, lifting his head a bit to be able to look him in the eyes.

"I was."

Eren bites his lower lip, still pensive, and then he roughly runs one of his hands through his hair.

"You know, it's driving me crazy." He mutters, restless, before starting to rant again, investing the other with a flood of disconnected words almost shouted out in frustration. "I understand sex, holy shit I've been three years in the training barracks so I must. And marriage, I had my parents, it makes sense, well I suppose. And I think I understand affection, I mean, I got Armin and Mikasa and to me are like siblings, even the others from the 104th... but this... what the fuck is this I'm--"

He doesn't have the chance to finish his sentence, the other's hand heavily slapping his cheek to stop him.

"You're going to wake him up."

Levi's never been good at dealing with people, especially with those who are freaking out in front of him, and violence has always been his only way to deal with all those realities that he wasn't able to handle in a different way. His was an unconscious reaction aimed at stopping the other as quickly as possible, but right now he's regretting not having been able to stay calmer, to think about another way. This is the first time he actually hit Eren after the trial and he really doesn't want their relationship to be based on this, he never wanted it.

He's massaging with slow circles his hand, trying to find the right words to say, trying to find a way to convey how much sorry he is about it, when Eren breaks the silence, frustrating his every attempt.

"I'm sorry sir, you're right, I really don't want to bother him." He whispers before taking a deep sigh and starting to rant again, only softer this time and with a slow dreaming pace. "You're both so... so... he's been to one to actually free me you know? He's just human but he managed to maneuver with only one arm left to save me, and he even guided us back to the Wall before losing consciousness..."

His voice is tender and tinged with deep respect and something resembling fondness and Levi stares at him for some moments, pensive. Even if he's not a good reader of people feelings he hadn't missed how all this time Eren's eyes were on Erwin, probably since he arrived in the room, and, in spite of all, this doesn't sadden him nor makes him jealous.

 _You made it, you lucky old fart_.

This time it's his turn to hide a deep breath before taking his decision once and for all. "You're overwhelmed by guilt and too confused to discuss this now but..." He starts, quickening his last words after seeing Eren's eyes harden and his desire to protest. "...but if you really think to feel something for your Commander then, well, tell him when he'll be back on his feet. I believe that you'll have a good chance of being reciprocated."

It's hard to let it go, he and Erwin have been together for so long, but they both already know that what they have is not enough, that it's something incomplete, so if he has to step aside for Erwin's sake he cannot really claim to be upset about it, even if maybe... well maybe it hurts a bit, but this doesn't really matter right?

In the end, when Levi finds the firmness to look again at the boy's face, Eren is gaping at him, staring at him as if he had grown a second head, before turning a bright shade of red starting from his ears.

"No! You... you misunderstood it all!" He almost stutters, running one of his hands through his hair and shaking his head at the same time. "I didn't mean that. Well, I did... Shit." He covers his face with one of his hands while muttering something unintelligible before finally giving up and meeting Levi's eyes with a new determination on his features. "What I was trying to say is that I don't know what I feel, and then what confuses me more is that I think to feel the same for both of you. Maybe. I don't know. Not really. I mean, what this even is? How this even works? Is it even possible?"

It takes all of himself to Levi not to start laughing right on the spot. The first thing he feels is relief, the second one is disbelief for his own luck, and then there's only fondness, a soft one that envelops him with warmth and makes him lightly sigh with contentment.

"It is." He replies, but seeing Eren's confusion he starts again, willing at least to try his best to clarify it for him. "It is possible, at least if you're asking about what Erwin and I think about it. But this is not the right time to discuss it..." He adds, turning towards Erwin and contemplating for some moments his sleeping face. "...think about what you want without prejudices and if you'll be sure then tell us when all of this shit will be over."

Eren remains silent, his teeth scraping his lower lip, his fingers torturing the hem of his shirt.

"You always seem to be ready to shit yourself when you're distressed."

Levi words break the silence in an attempt at humor that doesn't have any effect, 'cause Eren doesn't even seem to have heard them.

"What if... what if I or one of you two is going to die before I know what I want?"

Levi sighs, again. "I told you more than once: I cannot choose for you, do what you're going to regret the less."

"Then just for tonight, before I leave for the cabin tomorrow, can I stay here with you?"

Eren's words are now determined and contain all the confidence so typical for the boy. He may not know what he feels, even what he wants, but he's always be a straightforward one and Levi isn't going to deny him what he asked for, especially because he wants it too.

"Over there there's a sofa, serve yourself."

**Author's Note:**

> The series is not complete, I’ve got it almost entirely planned, I just need time and inspiration to actually write it.
> 
> Thanks for reading and remember you can subscribe the series (rather than its single stories) to know when I’ll post another oneshot ;)


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